.
A writing exercise conceived by one Mr. John E. Carley
to facilitate the creation and understanding
of modern renku poetry forms.
----------------------
all the blackbirds
eye balling each other
strung out / jm
surfing debt on a
slow fuse to China / jec
satellite dishes
pointing south
dance with the stars / jm
etched on the emu's egg
yam dreaming / l
----------
cherry blossom
drifts by my mouth
and disappears / jm
loving every moment
a mayfly / jec
each and every
glass of water
full of gratitude / jm
the syrup all spun
into fairy floss / l
.
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15 comments:
Perhaps later, Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I can post some "conventional - unconventional" spring (bl) hokku submissions.
Hi John, just figuring out how to get around the blog.
Nice work. Looks like you've had a read through renkureckoner.co.uk/beta for the Yotsumon.
I'll try to get some answering wakiku to one or a couple of the hokku candidates online later (early moringing with me). Then let's see what happens!
Best wishes, John C
Hi John, I look forward to learning from you and Willie with this. Sorry for an abundance of hokku submissions. I'll stop now and await Willie.
Far out!
You guys have been busy! I've been laid out...I'm behind the pace!
Ha! I love those label notes: paint, fumes, etc.
This ain't Wordpress, JEC, but it seems to suffice.
Hi guys, below I've responded to two of the hokku offers with a pair of potential wakiku each.
In order to make the Yotsumono work we need to avoid all discussion of the *meaning* of what we're writing here. So I'll just remark that I've kept my syllable count/extent down from my norm here in order to try to balance to John's prosody which is a bit tighter than I'm used to. Not a problem - just an observation.
OK - where to go? We go to daisan. This is a conventional daisan in that it is the break-away verse, so it needs to head off somewhere away from the opening pair. Perhaps most importantly of all we want to be finding a sufficiently different tone/tenor here at daisan, or we risk three verses in a row which are relatively 'hard boiled'.
In terms of practicalities: dunno if you both want to go for different takes on either of these - or one, or none if none appeal!
Anyway, if you're wanting to add a daisan feel free to pick either of the wakiku to follow, or do candidates for both, or just throw them back at me with a big 'Oh no, no, no, no.'
I don't think there's anything culturally specific in my candidates. We Brits have recently aquired the term CDO. Thanks guys! J
---------
all the blackbirds
eye balling each other
strung out
surfing debt on a
slow fuse to China
chasing CDOs
across the mirror
----------
cherry blossom
drifts by my mouth
and disappears
even paraplegics
laugh in spring
loving every moment
a mayfly
Hello lads,
Pardon my absence. I've been hurtin' for certain, mostly "catch-up" on a reinvigorated construction season.
Comments seem to work well as workshop for discussion and formulating technique. Should we edit and post our two current chosen candidates as example? I'll see to it if you wish.
Carry on, lads. This is proving to be interesting...
Hi- John... Wonderful links with so many places to go. Give me a little bit of time to compose a worthy daisan or two.
Glad your back working Willie. Here, the snow is lingering, making exteriors challenging and busy.
Throw some out to see what sticks.
all the blackbirds
eye balling each other
strung out / jm
surfing debt on a
slow fuse to China / jec
satellite dishes
pointing south
dance with the stars / jm
-----
cherry blossom
drifts by my mouth
and disappears / jm
loving every moment
a mayfly / jec
every time
a glass of water
full of gratitude / jm
or
each and every
glass of water
full of gratitude / jm
Nice work John. These drafts are suggestions only. The first combo is just about keeping the verbs turning over between present simple and present participle.
The second - looking at ways of maybe avoiding 'a mayfly/a glass of water'.
If we're getting close it's time for Willie to get his thinking head on for supplying some concluding verses which kind of tie the whole shebang back together. Hey - who said it was easy! John
I'm just trying to stay out of the way; a couple of offers for starters-
all the blackbirds
eye balling each other
strung out / jm
surfing debt on a
slow fuse to China / jec
satellite dishes
pointing south
dance with the stars / jm
the crew becomes silent
once the old hand speaks / w
or
the crew grows quiet
when the old hand speaks
-----
cherry blossom
drifts by my mouth
and disappears / jm
loving every moment
a mayfly / jec
each and every
glass of water
full of gratitude / jm
roustabouts and carnies,
sawdust in their veins / w
hey, Willie, John and John M.
Thought I'd have a go, too, if it's alright by you all.
cherry blossom
drifts by my mouth
and disappears / jm
loving every moment
a mayfly / jec
each and every
glass of water
full of gratitude / jm
the syrup all spun
into fairy floss
.......
( fairy floss = US cotton candy, ok?)
another version:
cotton candy
the syrup all spun
cheers,
- Lorin
all the blackbirds
eye balling each other
strung out / jm
surfing debt on a
slow fuse to China / jec
satellite dishes
pointing south
dance with the stars / jm
etched on the emu's egg
yam dreaming
- Lorin
Very cool Lorin... I like them alot!
Lovely-have at you, then!
John Carley said...
cherry blossom
drifts by my mouth
and disappears / jm
loving every moment
a mayfly / jec
each and every
glass of water
full of gratitude / jm
the syrup all spun
into fairy floss / lf
----
all the blackbirds
eye balling each other
strung out / jm
surfing debt on a
slow fuse to China / jec
satellite dishes
pointing south
dance with the stars / jm
etched on the emu's egg
yam dreaming / lf
Wow, those are surely definitive.
Sorry I've been off line. Could you guys mail me direct please.
Many thanks, John
June 15, 2010 3:30 AM
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