Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Letter From Fukushima: koyomi renku

.






Omote


a glance and a nod
then right out the door
spring snow

the moving guys squat
wrestling the quilt box

ebb tide
releases its grip
of flotsam and jetsam

a jerry-built shack
under comma-shaped clouds

broken glass
in the ice field
the moon all the same

two cocktail's wet rings
merge on the bar


Ura


after we finish
belly laughs
wobble the bedsprings

wings of geese beat
auguries into the wind

this new appliance
sends a text
when the colors are done

in haikai spirit
the letter from Fukushima

trumpet vine
blooms jazz notes
above the hedgerow

the brightness of salt
on morning's air







bandit / govindajohn


click on photos to enlarge


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92 comments:

bandit said...

A degachi, of sorts, for hokku, John?

John Merryfield said...

Ha... I love it! Let me do some research about Koyomi and I'll work on a hokku for consideration.

bandit said...

Look up uma and omote.

John Merryfield said...

Ok... Still learning about Koyomi

Hokku (wi)

preparing to wrestle
the quilt box
the moving guys squat

the happy destiny
of a sea cucumber
take it easy

...working on some others...

John Merryfield said...

Hokku (wi)

snowy walk
to neighbor's house
supernova

John Merryfield said...

preparing
to wrestle the quilt box
the moving guys squat

(perhaps a better break)

bandit said...

I'll have more notes on this form soon; note JEC's mention of his first impression of koyomi in the Email I forwarded to you; I'm considering how to rectify that: apply the suggestion of kasen folios to the koyomi's 2wo sided form?

Ms Eiko (Yachimoto) has been so kind to look up the creator of the form (Prof. Saguira) for more instruction on his ideas of the poem's construction.

I've been flying along all week, but the ducks have settled and look to be joining ranks to create rows. (Our school mascot is a Wood Duck; don't laugh!)

Still a bit harrassed, but I'm handling it well. Give me a little time to respond, please.

John Merryfield said...

Take your time Willie. No rush on my end. This gives me a little more time to consider this Koyomi. Seems like subtle differences from other forms, except for the two sided nature reflecting the two authors.

Wooden ducks!

Studied a short time at Santa Cruz - "The Slugs"

bandit said...

Well, most obvious, only two sides.

bandit said...

# 10:

Off we go!

Here's an idea:

a glance and a nod
then right out the door
snow in spring

wrestling the quilt box
the moving guys squat

I recall two spring verses are in order. Please advance your ideas, Johhny.

bandit said...

# 11:

GJ,

And you can edit the post, too, of course.

B

bandit said...

# 12:

I'm noting the date as February 12, 2011

John Merryfield said...

#13

very nice combo!

quilt is a winter reference. does that matter?

bandit said...

# 14:

Here are the notes on koyomi from Prof. Sagiura:

Omote (six verses) Ura (six verses)---total two folios

(break down of 12 verses as far as Jo-Ha-Kyu concerned)

V1, V2, V3 ---Jo (mild, general ) cf: hokku is an exception. You can
write about anything in a hokku.

V4, V5, V6, V7, V8, V9....Ha (dramatic, specific, any topic )

V10, V11, V12....Kyu (do not contrive, natural fast linking) cf: ageku
must be celebratory

(fixed positions= reserved seats!) You Can bring up each position.

the moon at the fifth

the blossom at the eleventh

two love verses in a row (anywhere in *ha section)

(ratio between no season verse and seasonal verse)

6 vs 6

(two each of autumn/spring verse written in a row)
(one each of summer/winter verse)

exception: if, for example, you link a summer waki to a summer hokku,
ratio will change and that is OK.


If we have spring at #'s 1 and 2, then what sort of blossom at # 11?

Oh, well, maybe we can refer to Ms Eiko's led renku.

I see what you mean abot th quilt box; give me a minute ...

bandit said...

# 15:

I see the quilt box as being put away for the season.
In any case, want to riff off these two or try something different? I'm cool with whatever you propose.

John Merryfield said...

#16

Let's work with this.

I like it; Strong hokku. great image. Every time I read it, I turn to look, and see snow doing its thing.

Nice link to waki. The movers unspoken commuication.

How to proceed? Take turns or ...?

bandit said...

# 16:

Well, vaguely I recall worrying about long/short relegation. As of right now, I ain't got diddly.
Shoot, we could just rock out and advance what we may for candidates, not worry about credit. That way, later on I can lie and say, "oh, yeah, I wrote that one." That's how me and Kace do it on the job: blame the other guy if he's not there.

So, did you get your comp claim worked out? (the roof ...)

John Merryfield said...

#17
Sounds good to me.

Words: who can take credit for organizing words together to form a haiku? Imagine a bird taking credit for birdsong.

Work comp: 8 grand fine! Its in appeals court. My practice of loving kindness has hit a speed bump.

bandit said...

# 19:

I've been ill (couldn't see or read straight) and playin' catchup at school.

the tidal pool
at its lowest ebb
_______ exposed

Whatcha know 'bout tidal pools?

PEARLS?

deep in the hollow
submerged springs
sully the path

Not to mention the creek through Swede Hollow .

John Merryfield said...

#20

tidal pools
at its lowest ebb
(urchin needles) or (sea urchins) exposed

John Merryfield said...

#21

or (hermit crabs) exposed

bandit said...

# 22:

Yeah, pearls could be Japanese spring (woman divers, pearl divers)

Still, I feel uninspired, (flu, school tests on Fri) I get to sling some mud today - that'll get me goin', right? Have you any ideas? I'd like to hear them.

John Merryfield said...

sorry, my mind has been other places. hope you feel better. maybe tomorrow i'll have some thoughts here.

John Merryfield said...

#24
Hope you're feeling better. I can put my head back in this renku. But, I don't have much help for our verse. I've been tossing around a verse or two and my mind is snapping shut from the lack of inspiration.

#3 verse Non season (mild, general) I'm thinking about something in the natural world, perhaps the sky or patterns of some kind.

comma shaped clouds
pausing
before speaking my mind

white foam
releasing its grip
on flotsam and jetsam

bandit said...

# 25:

Yeah, #21, I was thinking hermit crabs, but they sound seasonal to me. I wasn't mad about them, either.

That tidal pool's flotsam and jetsom exposed sounds interesting, maybe. And those comma shaped clouds. There seem to be questions "floating" about of what's important.

a glance and a nod
then right out the door
snow in spring

wrestling the quilt box
the moving guys squat

***

white foam
releasing its grip
on flotsam and jetsam

the tidal pool
releasing its grip
on flotsam and jetsam

***

a jerry-built shack
beneath comma-shaped clouds

then on to moon, ummm, winter?

John Merryfield said...

#26
I prefer:

the tidal pool
releases its grip
on flotsam and jetsam

over the other option:

"white foam" is redundant
perhaps-

sea foam
releases its grip
on flotsam and jetsam

I love:
jerry built shack
under comma shaped clouds !!!!

bandit said...

#27:

Well, let's throw it up there and see if anybody salutes: step back, take a look at it ourselves, maybe.
I might keep rolling with this feeling of . . . dread? Naw, just kiddin'!

Everything's up in the air, man: everything's normal. Spice 'o' life, Jack.

bandit said...

# 28:

a moon offer, recycled from HBS:

broken glass
in the ice field
the moon all the same

Flirting with kannonbirikai and darkness maybe. What shall be our second folio? A distinction from the first?

John Merryfield said...

#29
That's a great verse!
Watch your step!
What is the season of verse 7 and the start of the 2nd folio?

bandit said...

# 30:

I'm thinking

spring
spring
ns
ns
wi/mn
ns

ns /lv
au /lv
au
ns
su/bl
ns

I'm just makin' this up; omote has a dark flavor thus far - sort of. Must be this snow and overcast. We had a record snowfall again. 16-20 inches - I don't think I even looked up. Like some hunter/gatherer caught asleep in the blizzard, you'll find me in spring.

So side 2, ura, an uplifting feel? How's the light playin' on the ocean today, bro?

bandit said...

# 31:

As a matter of fact, there was a broken bottle lying amidst chunks of ice in the alley; I had to look twice to see if it was real.

John Merryfield said...

#32

Sorry for the slow response.

I've found it a difficult position to fill.

Maybe...

belly laughs
wobble the bedsprings
after we finish

bandit said...

# 33:

I love that verse! Leads into an "up' feeling so well. A great start to the second folio. But we need a two line if we use the winter moon verse. Something to end side one and moving to the second.
Such as; a chance meeting on the street? Lemme try something here ...

bandit said...

# 34:


Something like 'condensation rings merge on the bar top'.

wet rings from two cocktails
merge on the bar top

belly laughs
wobble the bedsprings
after we finish

or somethin', somethin'. Thinkin' of my trip to Mpls. and those whacky lesbians. It's OK to fantasize, ain't it?

bandit said...

# 35:

or more succinctly:


wet rings from cocktails
merge on the bar

belly laughs
wobble the bedsprings
after we finish

John Merryfield said...

Yes!
This one works well!

wet rings from cocktails
merge on the bar

I was also considering your previous cocktail verse today and came up with:

wet cocktail rings
make the sign of eternity

bandit said...

# 37:

Cool, but I'm thinking a quiet, matter of factness would give us a break from the near drama inherent in the first folio. I think it would help the innocent joyfulness of your "sexy" verse become even more outstanding. I mean, 'the bedsprings' really bring a smile.
If we run with these we'll need two autumn verses to follow, with a non-season break, then summer blossom and a 'celebratory' ageku as described by Professor Sagiura.

bandit said...

whaddya think?

John Merryfield said...

Yes,

wet rings from cocktails
merge on the bar

belly laughs
wobble the bedsprings
after we finish

then: two Autumn verses!

Put it up and let's have a look.

John Merryfield said...

#40

mystical paths begin
with a burst of quail

... working on another verse also

John Merryfield said...

#41

two deer antennas go up
feeling my vibration

bandit said...

Hang on, Bud, a mess of reading for a test, then . . . spring break!

bandit said...

# 42:


wet rings from cocktails
merge on the bar

belly laughs
wobble the bedsprings
after we finish

wings of geese,
omens on the wind

Something akin to your 'mystical paths', John. Looked up a synonym for vibration, then thought better to leave it unsaid so near a quick finish, tagged to a more recognizable autumn kigo:
autumn geese wind

John Merryfield said...

yes, much simplier and direct. nice. when in doubt, KISS keep it simple stupid. i like your verse much better.

John Merryfield said...

just read it again. that's just what's needed there.

bandit said...

Painters ; so easy going . . .

bandit said...

I looked up omen and recognized a note that omen tended to a negative
connotaton - let me rethink this.

Out first side seemed a bit ominous. I thought of the front and back aspects of omote and ura: trying to retain that contrast ...

bandit said...

# 48:

I put up 'auguries' on the page: have a look

John Merryfield said...

beautiful link!

bandit said...

fitty:

John, I added a verb - it seemed to make it more accessible with a better cadence. The other still seemed pretentious.

bandit said...

#51:

wet rings from cocktails
merge on the bar


Ura


belly laughs
wobble the bedsprings
after we finish

wings of geese beat
auguries in the wind

I noticed how we have the same rythm going here -

prepositional phrase/verb

can we transpose the maeku's lines?

after we finish
belly laughs wobble
the bedsprings

subject/past perfect

John Merryfield said...

Yes, that sounds better anyways!

bandit said...

five-three =

Maybe, maybe not the verse - the sentence structure notes are pure conjecture. Where is Ms Marian wnen I need her? (7th grade English teacher)

bandit said...

# 54:

I've tweaked three verses so as to sound less pretentious and add variety to the prose = tell me what you think.

John Merryfield said...

I didn't see or feel the pretentiousness before.. but I like the verses very much. Give me a bit to work on another Autumn verse.

bandit said...

'The tidal pool releasing' and
'jerry built shacks beneath
both sounded a bit twee to my ear.

I placed the verb in your last verse to line 3. It does make a break between sides, too.

John Merryfield said...

I've been struggling to retain the voice of this second side. Here are a couple of verses. one- questionable kigo? I have other verses I'm working on also. Let me know what you think-

favorite maple tree
losing its color
by election day

fleeting tsunami
sending her love
to hawaii

new appliance
sends a text
when the colors are done

bandit said...

# 58:

My gut goes with the contrasting 'appliance' after an initial reading. Humourous and ominous at the same time. I have a "day" ahead of me, and may not return for 10 or 12 hours.
It has a nice pivot - the lines are interchangeable.

belly laughs
wobble the bedsprings
after we finish

wings of geese beat
auguries into the wind

this new appliance
sends a text
when the colors are done

bandit said...

Yes, that's the one.

wings of geese beat
auguries into the wind

this new appliance
sends a text
when the colors are done

haikai spirit
a letter from Fukushima

Oh, my goodness . . . look at that. I don't know. An unintentional theme beginning with the 'geese'?
I received a hit on the site from Fukushima only just Saturday. I was amazed. A good omen?

bandit said...

in haikai spirit
the letter from Fukushima

I'll be back . . .

John Merryfield said...

I am so capivated by your verse Willie. I love it. The two sides of this poem took shape in an instant when I read through it, after your last verse Its so perfect.

bandit said...

Oh thanks John, I wasn't sure about that last verse.
So we need a summer blossom and ageku, not neccessarily in that order.
And Prof. S. said Ageku should be uplifting.
I was reading in Field Bio how primary species inhabit a new ecosystem, or how did that go?
Inhabitants in a new or reclaimed ecosystem, like after a serious forest fire. Primary or secondary - I better read my notes!
Ever see a tree grow from a rock?

bandit said...

BTW, appliance was a ripping good word - that's what caught my eye.

John Merryfield said...

cherry blossoms
swimming in the neighbor's pool
au naturel


trumpet flowers
in a cool breeze
the sound of jazz

(I lifted the trumpet flower verse from a solo rengay back in 09 and tweecked it a bit. I know there is a bit of a cut there but I leave it, in spirit of haikai)

bandit said...

and here's our issue that JEC pointed out - what's a summer blossom?

John Merryfield said...

Good question. I did see summer cherry blossoms referenced as a summer blossom in 500 seasonal references, and I'm familiar with trumpet flowers as blossoming in summer... Orange trees here in Mexico blossom in the spring and summer...

bandit said...

Right - I had to ask; we tried growing trumpet flowers for yrs. We only had the West side of a wood fence. Finally I put in Honeysuckle and it went wild!
Tried some Clematis, too. No go.

Yeah, trumpets in the summer - I remember now - a neigbor had a vine that looked like a tree! I think he had been pruning it for something like 30 years.

Blew me away - huge flowers, and in Minnesota! (we're a zone 4, maybe 3 1/2 here) Like that time I saw the moth that looked like a hummingbird outside the screenhouse window. In those days, I'd been smoking some beer and had to crawl on all fours to go and gawk at this thing . . . like a dream.

# 66 -

bandit said...

Is it me or is the jazz and flowers a bit cliche?

I tried a line switch:

trumpet flowers
in a cool breeze
the sound of jazz

trumpet flowers
a blossom of jazz notes
on a cool breeze

There was something of a req., maybe, that blossoms denote fruition, (cherrys, plums, peaches, etc.) with a woody plant.

bandit said...

69 is fine:

Having a look:

Omote


a glance and a nod
then right out the door
spring snow

wrestling the quilt box
the moving guys squat

the tidal pool
releases its grip
of flotsam and jetsam

a jerry-built shack
under comma-shaped clouds

broken glass
in the ice field
the moon all the same

two cocktail's wet rings
merge on the bar


Ura


after we finish
belly laughs
wobble the bedsprings

wings of geese beat
auguries into the wind

this new appliance
sends a text
when the colors are done

in haikai spirit
the letter from Fukushima

trumpet flowers
a blossom of jazz notes
on a cool breeze

I think AIR members would dig this progression, as well as your last verse.

I got a copy of their Wind Arrow II anthology - simple, flowing, subtle verses. So peaceful, yet with surges of powerful statement, some almost surreal in their beauty.

bandit said...

You could do this, too, maybe making the link to maeku tighter:

trumpet flowers
a blossom of jazz notes
on a wayward breeze

the breeze, ephemeral or transitory, as well as the situation in Fukushima, and the surrounding area.

John Merryfield said...

trumpet flowers
a blossom of jazz notes
on a wayward breeze

this works better than a 'cool breeze'. wayward- alluring connection to Japan and the ocean.

bandit said...

http://lilliputreview.blogspot.com/2011/03/scott-watson-sendai-quake-journal-part_22.html

See that line; 'wind blows faster than we can walk'

bandit said...

in haikai spirit
the letter from Fukushima

trumpet flowers
blossoms of jazz notes
on a wayward breeze


set adrift
we give thanks to the wind

ehhh - keep trying - please add your input, John.


the brightness of salt
on the ocean's air


seen in the mirror
light plays tricks on the water

or . . .

bandit said...

the brightness of salt
tints the ocean's air

the brightness of salt
in the ocean's air

I'll be back by early evening.

John Merryfield said...

Sorry, we lost power for the day. No electricity across town. Mexico. Just starlight.

I lean toward simplicity:

set adrift
we give thanks to the wind

Nice summation, linking to the previous Summer/ Blossom verse, and also harkening back to hokku beautifully.

The salt and ocean images make fewer connections and are less powerful for me.

A possible consideration for your verse (which may not need a change):

zig zagging
we give thanks to the wind

John Merryfield said...

kannonbiraki??

augeries on the wind...

on a cool breeze...

thanks to the wind

hum

bandit said...

Damn; my mind is full of the Meiji Restoration and lakes and ecological biomes (mid-term exams Friday!)

Good eye - what of those breezes, by the way? Only two verses separate them from wind.

Could we change the 'wayward breeze' to something? Gah, there's so much noise here, I can't think . . .

bandit said...

Sendai, Japan, linked back into HBS this morning - i thought they might have been gone.

bandit said...

Where do you "see" the the trumpet flowers? ours were in the back "garden". Flowering twice (the weather here was too cold for them to sustain more than two seasons)they rose 'above the hedge row'.

bandit said...

Wow, look up hedge on Wikipedia.

the letter rises above barriers:
cultural, geographical, language, personal loss, etc.?

trumpet flowers
blossoms of jazz notes
above the hedgerow

simple use of language with implied messages?

the brightness of salt
on the morning's air

a scene by the sea, a new dawn . . . somehow uplifting, considering the circumstances.

John Merryfield said...

Juanito likes!

Vivid and positive summation. If you like it too, put it up and let's see how it looks.

John Merryfield said...

btw- good luck with the exams. You're my hero!

bandit said...

Right away I noticed the similarity of the two verses - inactive phrasing, so I added a verb to the last.
I see you didn't notice any "recall" between 'colors' and 'flowers'; my imagination?
I think it's OK.
I'll see if I can give this a read to my fellow Philosophy (eastern) students tommorrow for some feedback.

bandit said...

flowers and blossoms same verse?
I checked the genus at wiki - I think we're talking about the same plant (_ radicans with southeast US origins, with hybrids as far as Canada. Some in Calif.

I posted a provisional end "kyu".
The complete sentence phrase in maeku mirrored ageku. I had that idea for L2 in ageku . . .

bandit said...

I transposed the lines in wakiku.
Does it read better, more variety of phrase?

bandit said...

In Shinto religion, salt can act to purify, a common ritual in that belief.

John Merryfield said...

I like the phrasing, it reads great. beautiful ageku. You really craft verses as a tradesmen would. I've learned a lot from you Willie over the years writing renga, and its fun. I'll have another read in the morning to let the clear eyes of sunshine on the page.

bandit said...

So you lead the next one, dude.
Whenever you're ready.

John Merryfield said...

sabaki= daunting

title for our epic koyomi: Spring snow ??

bandit said...

S**t! Why didn't I think of that?

No, seriously . . . I ran down the whole page for some reason. Gah!

I've been doing back research for this East Asia history test this morning, running down links and essays - ha! have an essay question myself - expound about JP culture. My focus will be on Edo Period - 1603-1868 - now what do I know about that??

bandit said...

No one's heard this yet, outside of our spouses, I'm sure.

What do say I offer this to Ms Yachimoto for review - eventually, I'd like to have Professor Sagiura review it.

John Merryfield said...

heck yeah