eye shadow
bright blue butterflies
give me a wink / jm
Marvin K. Mooney
has lost his I.D. / ws
those saloon doors
of A.A.
swing both ways / jm
handing the barkeep
a ten year medallion...
"my name's Bill" / ws
the wet straw wrapper
wriggling like a worm / jm
a tattered obi
colorless
shrunken and faded / ws
;;;
28 comments:
Car breakdown... all is well old vw... need to do some things .. back with you later.
An old VW!
Old enough to break down at the surf beach. I have return with parts or a mechanic or both tomorrow. Life in Baja. Ok, I'm alittle lost with the Marvin reference, but I have to say I like its cryptic obscurity, except for the fact that I don't know where to go with it.
I got carried away.
Marvin K. Moody is a Dr. Suess character, and somebody picked up on it and invented this strange society...
There's a youtube of a kid reading the book that I want to slip in a post somewhere. I put up music in a link through an ellipsis at the end of a number of posts. There's one below, but of a bar scene. It's classic-reminds me of regular folks I've met throughout the years, honest to goodness hard scrabble, hard drinking simple people.
Go dream on it...what's the first thing pop's in your head in the morning?
Ha! That's fun. I'll read up and see what I've got.
wikipedia spells it Marvin K Mooney. I'll sleep on it and get back to you tomorrow afternoon.
Wow, didn't think of that...Huh, Dr. Suess as political allegory.
Out of the mouths of babes...
some major verse before last intrusion; I.D., my name...
Have I gone too far?
Too far? This is too much fun to even worry about it.
Cool! You understand the reference...sad, actually.
How's the V dub? (I had a 211 once.)
Yes, sadly I do understand the reference. ...and the vw is getting the love and attention it needs.
Hey, what do you think of this images (photos)?
Got anything else in mind, or do you have some photos?
I love the image! Its quite perfect for this rengay, besides I don't have many photos yet... just got a camera and I keep forgeting that I have one.
Check this out... I had to loan the tow truck driver 10 dollars (100 pesos) for gas... talk about having no working capital!
Whoo-eee! I know where that 'mano is coming from!
I flipped the lines of the last verse. It seems to sound better. Opinion?
You're right , I'm very opinionated...
It reads more like a cut verse, supposedly a no-no as it competes with the hokku. If you leave it, maybe add an article so it reads like a sentence.
Maybe an article on the A.A. verse-a hint of Tontoism. Would that verse improve by using the abbreviation? It's a matter of how smooth the poem reads as a whole. The pace, and sound...how well it flows.
Of course, this rengay form is a bit different than, say, a junicho.
I should read up on it. A lot of examples at Sketchbook.
I really like your last verse. I can feel the obi on my skin.
Yes, I tonto and forget "A" and "The". Good info on "Tontoism".
I was apprehensive about abbreviating A.A. because of the previous verse with I.D. .. but now I like the link.
Overall, I'm pleased with the content and flow of this rengay.
Good point. Let me change that and see what you think.
I forgot to mention: there is renku technique that calls for a verse to return to the...average, almost dull, everyday topic. No flash. The 'wrapper' verse is exemplary in that regard.
You could switch 'direction(s)' and 'way(s)' from verse to verse.
I don't know which reads better.
It might hinge on the 'medallion' verse, which might be too long.
Have to read it out loud a few times...any other readers have an opinion?
What do we name this?
And how about another adjective in the hokku? "bright blue butterflies"...I don't know.
Part of my thinking using the A.A. reference was a link from Marvin losing his I.D. and becoming "anonymous"... so now with the lose of direction, it still works, but differently. ... hang tight I need to reread it and get back to ya.
Afraid I can't be much help with the "direction" question, nothing is coming to mind.
Yes, "bright blue butterfies"
Another word for medalion that works for me is token. ??
Title: metamorphosis ?? ... butterflies.... drunks..
Really? (The loss of i.d., anonymous) Duh! Let's go with I.D.
I removed an article from 'Bill',
but I can't remember exactly what they called the medallion. Medallion? My old man was in Squad 10, St. Paul Alano Club, for many years. Old school...I'll try changing 'one' to "ten".
I reread the piece after a break, and it sounds pretty good. The first line with the added 'bright'
initiates a nicer long - short -long for me.
Ooooo-metamorphasis. I like that.
I'll post these notes, and give 'er a look.
One more thing: allow me to change the last line of the hokku to "give me a wink". For some reason, I recite it that way each time. Check it over, will ya, please?
This form is a little different, isn't it, with its l-s-l-l-s-l?
I'm gonna scan some at Sketchbook real quick...
Nice change to the hokku... Its a difficult writing habit for me to change, my abrupt, staccato delivery. This rengay and the longer renku, stretch me in ways that broaden my haiku poems for sure.
It's difficult for me not to run on at times-trying too hard.
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